remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
