You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Can I color on your dick again?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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