you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
