Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
