So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
