You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
