The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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