Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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