First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
