My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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