theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Did I show you my penis last night?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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