he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
