i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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