i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
