My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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