Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
