it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
