tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
