Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
