God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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