I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
