Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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