Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
