the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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