he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
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