Umm I'm too high to move.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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