Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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