I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
