You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
