good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
