i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
