Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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