He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
