u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
