he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
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