New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
