We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
