He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
