There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
We smell like vodka and hangover
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