He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
The ass gains better be worth it
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