The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
