Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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