I only kidnapped one of them. chill
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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