how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
