I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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