I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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