areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
