Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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