I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
