He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
