I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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