I'm gonna have a badass scar
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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