then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
