just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
