Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
