Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
